Bailout Relief

That is, I give you relief from the bailout, with perhaps the greatest news story written in weeks.  Here's how it begins:

State attorneys say John LaVoie should be forever barred from the massage business because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church.

 

But in his latest court argument, the Tucson man says he hired women at Angel's Heaven Relaxation Spa — near University Medical Center — not to sell sex but to comfort the afflicted through the religious act of "laying on of hands."

 

[...]

 

Whatever they offered, LaVoie's "angels" operated out of an office building at 1740 E. Lester St., northwest of Campbell and Speedway.

 

The Angel's Heaven Web site displayed portraits of young women over trademarked names.

"Oriental Angel" described as 5-foot-2 with dark brown hair and hazel eyes, invited visitors to discover "Far East delight."

 

Brown-eyed "Passion Angel" peered out over this message: "Come to Angel's Heaven now and be touched by an angel willing to take you to heaven and back."

I will struggle—mightily—to avoid blasphemous double entendres, here.  LaVoie is using the improbable First Amendment claim to appeal his conviction on 22 various counts related to running a house of prostitution.  The fantastic quote from his lawyer:

"This offer of comfort by this means is based on several Biblical passages."

Interestingly, LaVoie was only convicted in civil court under asset forfeiture proceedings.  Why wasn't he hit with criminal charges?  Well, I told you this was a great story.

Prosecutors declined to file prostitution-related criminal charges against LaVoie after a Tucson police detective compromised the investigation. Detective Michael Moser told his sergeant in February 2004 that he had sex with one of LaVoie's angels after work, at her home and in his police car.

Internal Affairs records show then-Chief Richard Miranda agreed to suspend him without pay for a week and demote him from detective to officer. Before police served the discipline, Moser retired in September 2004.

They say the converts are really the only ones who take the faith seriously.

Comments

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 3:48pm | #

How totally awesome. Why did he have to get busted now, though? I'm going to be there in four weeks.

kcjerith | September 29, 2008, 3:54pm | #

Sweet, if church was like this I would actually go.

The Extispicator | September 29, 2008, 3:55pm | #

I've always wondered if someone would try to open an ancient-mid-east-style temple that uses "temple prostitution" as a religious act. The ol' fertility rituals didn't work as well as Monsanto, but they were probably a lot more fun.

Amazing | September 29, 2008, 3:59pm | #

"...because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church."

Trust me, there are lots and lots of those around. Just not literally speaking.

Dagny T. | September 29, 2008, 4:04pm | #

I'm at work, so I can't check for myself, but is the website still up? There are bound to be other hilariously named "Angels." "Oriental Angel" is a good, racist start, though.

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 4:06pm | #

Don't call a whore an "Angel" if I can't pluck her.

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 4:10pm | #

There are bound to be other hilariously named "Angels." "Oriental Angel" is a good, racist start, though.

There are goofy names, but no more racist ones. I was sure "Velvet Angel" was going to be black, but no.

Best name: Earth Angel. It makes me think of the end of Back to the Future.

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 4:12pm | #

Earth Angel

Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don't mix, buddy.

J sub D | September 29, 2008, 4:14pm | #

Three issues are here.

Cops routinely break the law or look the other way when their "brothers in blue" do.

Asset forfeiture absent a conviction should be outlawed. I'd support a constitutional amendment to that effect.

The guy ran a whorehouse. It should not be a crime.

Atabrat | September 29, 2008, 4:16pm | #

"This offer of comfort by this means is based on several Biblical passages."

You tell me this now? After years of digging through dusty boxes in my parents' basement for old Harold Robbins novels?

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 4:19pm | #

Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don't mix, buddy.

No, it made no sense, she was blond, there's no "earth" connection that I can see.

Detective Michael Moser told his sergeant in February 2004 that he had sex with one of LaVoie's angels after work, at her home and in his police car

The Paterson, NJ police would routinely bring hookers in their cars onto my grandfather's property during the night and bang them.

Dagny T. | September 29, 2008, 4:20pm | #

Hippie chick? SugarFree and leg hair don't mix, buddy.

That song has an icky connotation now. Thanks, SF.

Maybe they should rename the Earth Angel. 'Gaia' work for everyone? To really piss the ecofeminists off, she could specialize in rape fantasy.

brotherben | September 29, 2008, 4:22pm | #

Dis tuff to swarrow.

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 4:28pm | #

That song has an icky connotation now. Thanks, SF.

It's my job. Seriously, I get a dollar from some mysterious benefactor every time I squick someone out on-line.

Queef burger.

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 4:35pm | #

Seriously, I get a dollar from some mysterious benefactor every time I squick someone out on-line

You're going to have to do better than "queef burger" if you want to make some money, you whore.

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 4:38pm | #

If harden perverts like you want my children to starve, I'm immune to your complaints. The sensitive ones--those that still have a soul--are my bread and butter.

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 4:45pm | #

The sensitive ones--those that still have a soul--are my bread and butter

So you're sort of like Satan, then.

(flips NutraSweet a quarter)

Now take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 4:51pm | #

So that's how you make a living: "...sucking quarters out of the love machine."

fishfry | September 29, 2008, 5:00pm | #

Discipline? I thought that costs extra.

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 5:00pm | #

Are you calling me a Barney?

SugarFree | September 29, 2008, 5:01pm | #

"I sure do like your magic pixie drink!"

Episiarch | September 29, 2008, 5:07pm | #

Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.

J sub D | September 29, 2008, 7:07pm | #

Radley,

Thanks. A refreshing break indeed.

Milhouse Van Houten | September 29, 2008, 8:28pm | #

Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!

Nick M. | September 29, 2008, 11:02pm | #

Man, how did I not know about this place until now?

fresno dan | September 30, 2008, 6:29am | #

Huh... and I used to justify my massages by saying my arthritis made my bone stiff.
this is much, much better

Abdul | September 30, 2008, 8:12am | #

Asset forfeiture has a lower burden of proof and still shuts down the criminal enterprise. It's used a lot against the "lite" vices like bootleg alcohol and prostitution. It saves prosecutorial resources for the most dangerous types of contraband: marijuana, etc.

Funny thing about the church. I got a brochure for a Franciscan Convent that runs retreats. The nuns also offer spa treatments like massage.