The War on Cheese

No, this isn't another dispatch from the new, alarming war on obesity. Just more of same from the comfortable, familiar war on drugs.

"A powerful and highly addictive new street drug known as 'cheese'...so called because it resembles crumbled Parmesan" is the new meth, which was, of course, the new crack. "The rise of the drug, a mixture of black tar heroin and powdered headache tablets, has been described as an epidemic."

The Guardian is there with the obligatory "first hit is free/cheap" warning:

Dealers often sell it at $2 a time to get youngsters hooked. Because it is snorted, teenagers do not realise they are taking such a lethal heroin-based drug.

In fact, the article seems to have been written directly off the new drug hysteria template. The big finish:

Zachary Thompson, director of Dallas County Health and Human Services, said: 'We've had this drug in the community for some time and didn't recognise it at first. Cheese heroin has been the most instantly addictive and deadliest drug that we have seen since the crack cocaine epidemic.'

Via Fark. 

Comments

de stijl | September 10, 2007, 3:35pm | #

Behold, the power of cheese.

pilight | September 10, 2007, 3:37pm | #

Cheese isn't new. It was called cheeva (or chiva) back in the good old days when Led Zeppelin sang about it. It was cut with cold pills then instead of Tylenol PM, but the end result is the same. The acetaminophen is the key thing.

This is typical drug war hysteria. An "epidemic" of stuff that's been around for decades has killed fewer people than the flu, but it's enough to justify spending a few billion more of your tax dollars.

ed | September 10, 2007, 3:41pm | #

When an unscrupulous dealer dilutes the potency, is he cutting the cheese?

Alan | September 10, 2007, 3:43pm | #

The rise of the drug, a mixture of black tar heroin and powdered headache tablets

Good Gawd, now I'm going to have to ask the pharmacist to get the aspirin from behind the counter. No more than eight tabs per purchase!

Warren | September 10, 2007, 3:45pm | #

Cheese heroin has been the most instantly addictive and deadliest drug that we have seen since the crack cocaine epidemic.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa, aaaahhh...
ooohhh...

fuck

SugarFree | September 10, 2007, 3:50pm | #

Cheese heroin has been the most instantly addictive and deadliest drug that we have seen since the crack cocaine epidemic.

It also beats up old ladies for their rent checks, contributes to global warming, childhood obesity, nudity on primetime TV, caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, forces people to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," and is the reason I can't get a decent meatball sub in this shitty excuse of a town.

Soon cheese heroin will interrupt the process of fusing hydrogen into helium that fuels the sun and our solar system will go dark.

J sub D | September 10, 2007, 3:50pm | #

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Send us drug warriors more money, it's for the children. I have gone from pissed, to amused to now just bored with each pronouncement of a new "drug epidemic".

Boy, you've cried wolf way too many times.

Warren | September 10, 2007, 3:57pm | #

So what, no fucking Ziti now?

Can they just keep piling one fiction on another forever and ever? I say no. Sooner or later the wind is going to blow hard enough to bring the whole tower of lies crashing down. That is why I think prohibition is THE libertarian issue. We get out front on this when it's all against us, and come the revolution, we're the generals.

ooooh what a lovely fuchsia sky...

Chris S. | September 10, 2007, 4:00pm | #

Ha, they're way behind the times. The newest 'thing' involves mixing slabs of treated pork with "cheese" and wedging it between baked wheat and yeast. It's called "ham and cheese" and they're selling it to kids for about $4.

Rick H. | September 10, 2007, 4:04pm | #

It's the super worstest ever! An epidemic, I tell ya!

The dealers' strategy is nefarious. Kids who are unfamiliar with the taste of Parmesan are offered inexpensive pasta dishes. By the time the poor youngsters develop a discriminating palate for Italian food, it's too late. They're hooked on "cheese." On the positive side, they haven't gained any weight.

James | September 10, 2007, 4:12pm | #

The MSM thinks we are really effin dumb. I can't wait to hear about "cheese" on my local news. Maybe we'll be able to by cold medicine again with the active ingredient in it. Nope I live in Florida where you can be arrested as a drug trafficker for having medicine with a prescription.

jtuf | September 10, 2007, 4:13pm | #

This stuff makes me want to protest at the local DEA office. I could give them a plastic bag of Parmesan and say I'm handing in my cheese.

Warren | September 10, 2007, 4:17pm | #

Who's the big cheese around here. I'm looking to score a brick. And don't give me no shake, I want the hard stuff.

Nigel Watt | September 10, 2007, 4:18pm | #

Whatever, I grew up in Dallas, and kids have been doing heroin there for way longer than this, especially in Plano - there's the Plano clap, where you tap the inside of your elbow at football games against them.

Other Matt | September 10, 2007, 4:30pm | #

there's the Plano clap, where you tap the inside of your elbow at football games against them.

Thank goodness, I thought you were going another direction with the Plano clap

Jake Boone | September 10, 2007, 4:33pm | #

I'll just note that de stijl won the thread on the very first post.

Zach | September 10, 2007, 4:33pm | #

I was wondering when the new big bad drug would come, meth has been dethroned blame all society's ills on cheese.

Dan T. | September 10, 2007, 4:42pm | #

Nobody's going to take a drug called "cheese" too seriously, no matter how dangerous it might be.

negatore | September 10, 2007, 5:14pm | #

I can't seem to decide whether to call prohibitionists tools or knobs.

Dave T. | September 10, 2007, 5:29pm | #

This "cheese heroin" might be highly addictive, but what I really want to know- is it crumbelievable?

tehfunny | September 10, 2007, 5:31pm | #

Katherine, you're going to be so funnay should you ever have kids.

Paul | September 10, 2007, 5:44pm | #

Katherine Mangu-Ward:

No, this isn't another dispatch from the new, alarming war on obesity. Just more of same from the comfortable, familiar war on drugs.

They're one in the same.

Paul | September 10, 2007, 5:47pm | #

Ed wrote:

When an unscrupulous dealer dilutes the potency, is he cutting the cheese?

Ed wins the thread.

Aresen | September 10, 2007, 5:53pm | #

Kinda puts a different spin on those ads from the Milk Producers where the kid says "More cheese, please."

Rick Barton | September 10, 2007, 5:58pm | #

The War on Cheese

It still makes more sense than the "War on Terror."

VM | September 10, 2007, 6:22pm | #

Rick -

I suspect a BIG BEEF conspiracy.

BEEF. IT'S MORE MANLY THAN CHEESE.

BEEF: Because the Chicago Stock Yards smell better than most of Wisconsin.

BEEF: "pork" should only be used as a verb.

BEEF.

SxCx | September 10, 2007, 7:16pm | #

One kid did so much cheese, he digested his own brain.

Cesar | September 10, 2007, 7:33pm | #

This is the most ridiculous nickname for a drug I've ever seen.

Who wants to bet the next "epidemic" drug will be called "Magic Schoolbus"?

negatore | September 11, 2007, 12:33am | #

I think the next drug menace should be called pasta.

Mike Espinoza | September 11, 2007, 12:57am | #

Whatever, I grew up in Dallas, and kids have been doing heroin there for way longer than this, especially in Plano - there's the Plano clap, where you tap the inside of your elbow at football games against them.

So, that's what was wrong with the Plano kids. In Arlington, the kids were just doing coke and weed.

jkii | September 11, 2007, 2:23am | #

"This is the most ridiculous nickname for a drug I've ever seen."

A couple of popular nicknames for heroin were , back in the day, 'dog food' and 'chow chow'. 'Cheese' is a relatively banal nickname.

Chris Griffin | September 11, 2007, 3:08am | #

I found it! I found the cheese! (Sigh) I love cheese...

The Perfect Food? | September 11, 2007, 8:23am | #

I knew a kid who was strung out on cheese. Every weekend he'd have to score some black-market gouda or provolone.

That is, until the precious blood of Cheesus saved his eternal soul from Hell.

Aresen | September 11, 2007, 1:57pm | #

negatore | September 11, 2007, 12:33am | #

I think the next drug menace should be called pasta.

I think the diet police are ahead of you on that one (see the BMI post today.)