He Should Have Hung the 'Please Don't Charge Into My Room and Have Me Arrested on a Ridiculous Sex Charge' Sign

The Telegraph reports that a Scottish man has to register as a sex offender after being caught trying to ride his bicycle at a hotel in Aur:

[A prosecutor] said: "They [two members of the cleaning staff] knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Although the incident occurred a year ago, the man pleaded guilty to "sexual breach of the peace" last week. "How do you have sex with a bicycle?" wonders the Telegraph's Bryony Gordon, and so do I. More than that, though, I wonder why it's the government's business what a man does with a bike in the privacy of his hotel room. I mean, as long as it's not a children's bike. 

[Thanks to ChicagoTom for the tip.]

Comments

Fluffy | October 30, 2007, 6:52pm | #

Obviously this means that if someone breaks in on you jerking off with your bicycle, you should kill all the witnesses.

Kwix | October 30, 2007, 6:52pm | #

What would have been the charge if he'd been having sex with a (consenting)human? If not the same "sexual breach of the peace"* then this is bullshit.

*just what is this anyway?? I guess banging a headboard loud enough to wake the neighbors might count.

andronoid | October 30, 2007, 6:54pm | #

Ten speeds work the best.

Hugh Akston | October 30, 2007, 7:00pm | #

I think the justification for this charge might be the same as the ban on buggery, in that machines cannot legally give consent. Since there should always be a presumption of declination in matters sexual.

Still, this case is nothing for the authorities to get all Huffy about.

Jamie Kelly | October 30, 2007, 7:07pm | #

What if you're just moving your ass around on the banana seat? Do the sodomy laws come into play?

Jamie Kelly | October 30, 2007, 7:09pm | #

As Austin Powers would say:
"Schwinn!"

Jamie Kelly | October 30, 2007, 7:12pm | #

Err ... Wayne. Yeah, Wayne's World.
Yep. Schwing. Wayne's World.
I'm going to go blow my load on my Specialized Hard Rock now.

Mutts | October 30, 2007, 7:25pm | #

She said she was an eighteen speed, officer!

Aresen | October 30, 2007, 7:27pm | #

To update an old feminist slogan:

"A woman needs a man like a fish man needs a bicycle."

JBinMO | October 30, 2007, 7:29pm | #

So what can you hold while jerking off and not break a law?

sixstring | October 30, 2007, 7:41pm | #

Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my Bicycle...

All those years and I thought Freddy just liked tooling 'round the neighborhood.

Josh | October 30, 2007, 7:43pm | #

And Europeans say Americans are stupid and sexually repressed?

harry | October 30, 2007, 7:55pm | #

Wow, they even publish his picture along the article to further the embarrassment.

I suspect most people read this is as "What a freak!", not as the government getting involved in idiotic matters.

J sub D | October 30, 2007, 8:01pm | #

"How do you have sex with a bicycle?"

Carefully. And reverently.

J sub D | October 30, 2007, 8:19pm | #

Seriously, as a hotel maid, wouldn't you think that catching folks flagrante delicto is part of the job description? And the poor slob is prosecuted? I'm afraid the mother country is just losing it. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching my parents go senile.

Almost James Joyce | October 30, 2007, 8:38pm | #

He fell off his bisexual.

Happy Jack | October 30, 2007, 8:42pm | #

"How do you have sex with a bicycle?"

I don't know. But I hope it doesn't require having your junk hanging near the sprocket and chain.

David E. Gallaher | October 30, 2007, 8:47pm | #

Not that I'm whining about who posts what on Hit and Run or anything, but this runs while the thing I e-mailed, comparing the Maori Party in New Zealand to the Libertarian Party in the US, doesn't make the cut?

All reading this crappy post, give me an Amen.
And, if you want to see what COULD have graced these cyber pages, just e-mail me at the e-mail address I put up every time I post.
By the way, want tomorrow's news today? Just tune in to NZ.

J sub D | October 30, 2007, 9:03pm | #

David E. Gallaher, Art thou a Kiwi? I've visited Nelson, Auckland and Wellington when I was in the navy. Beautiful country, beautiful people. I'd like to get back sometime.

David E. Gallaher | October 30, 2007, 9:12pm | #

Rubba dub Dubba,
Thanks for axing, but the Little Woman and I just hide out deep in Sinincincinnati.
You were in the Navy and saw the world. I was a jarhead, and hi-diddle-diddled in VN.
I tried to arrange a rendezvous with the LW in Australia for R&R from VN, but she opted for Hawaii. Bleh.

M | October 30, 2007, 9:12pm | #

David E. Gallaher, I've had the same experiences since Tim Cavanaugh left, wondering whether I'm emailing my suggestions to the wrong subdivision of reason, perhaps tech support. It's also happened that another source gets credited with an item I had sent earlier.

Not that I care, of course. No, not at all. Not at all. Oh no.

J sub d | October 30, 2007, 9:37pm | #

I tried to arrange a rendezvous with the LW in Australia for R&R from VN, but she opted for Hawaii. Bleh.

She made a real bad call. Don't hold it against her, most U.S. women would have done the same. I think it's those damned Elvis movies.

David E. Gallaher | October 30, 2007, 9:42pm | #

M,
Let's picket!
That's what the Kroger union was doing on Fountain Square as I was walking home from work tonite.
You got Kroger where you live?
Fuck 'em.
Shop at WalMart and Biggs. (Biggs is a foreign grocery store company, but, for some reason, is only in Sinincinnati, in the US.)

David E. Gallaher | October 30, 2007, 9:45pm | #

Rubba sub Dubba,
I can't hold it against her any more until after I've had a Viagra, plus some KY jally.
Hubba sub Hubba!

Adam W. | October 30, 2007, 10:09pm | #

The article said he had been arrested for having sex with pavements. How is THAT possible (or, for that matter, comfortable)???

Happy Jack | October 31, 2007, 12:12am | #

There must be something cosmic about a thread that draws Ruthless back to the fold. Didn't think it would be boinking a bike.

Jeff P | October 31, 2007, 12:37am | #

Five hours and nobody has made a tandem or tricycle joke. You disappoint me.

I really hope the bike had a horn he could toot.

Sixstring: The poster inside Queen's Jazz album did feature dozens of hot naked chicks on bikes. There could be a connection.

jimmydageek | October 31, 2007, 8:37am | #

Well, I love my bicycles, quite a bit actually. However, I don't think I could love them in that fashion...

Jake Boone | October 31, 2007, 8:43am | #

Five hours and nobody has made a tandem or tricycle joke. You disappoint me.

This story goes a long way toward explaining the song "Daisy Bell," dontcha think?

There is a flower within my heart
Daisy, Daisy
Planted one day by a glancing dart
Planted by Daisy Bell

Whether she loves me or loves me not
Sometimes it's hard to tell
Yet I am longing to share the lot
Of beautiful Daisy Bell

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do
I'm half crazy all for the love of you
It won't be a stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two

We will go 'tandem' as man and wife
Daisy, Daisy
Ped'ling away down the road of life
I and my Daisy Bell

When the road's dark, we can both despise
Policemen and lamps as well
There are bright lights in the dazzling eyes
Of beautiful Daisy Bell

I will stand by you in "wheel" or woe
Daisy, Daisy
You'll be the bell(e) which I'll ring you know
Sweet little Daisy Bell

You'll take the lead in each trip we take
Then if I don't do well
I will permit you to use the brake
My beautiful Daisy Bell.

Warren | October 31, 2007, 12:22pm | #

Well he was Scottish after all. That alone should be enough to take him into custody and make him register as a sex offender.

ChicagoTom | October 31, 2007, 12:29pm | #

My first thought when I read this was:

Doesn't this, in essence, criminalize masturbation with sex toys?? All sex toys are inanimate objects. What is the distinction between a bicycle or a butt-plug or a dildo ?

This whole case was ridiculous.

And I want to know the name of the Hotel, because I wouldn't want to stay in any hotel that calls the cops on guests who are jerking off in the rooms they paid for with doors locked.

Isaac Bartram | October 31, 2007, 5:56pm | #

ChicagoTom, the name of the hotel is in the article.

I think I have pretty much concluded that the prudery issue is largely a small town/city vs. big city issue. It really doesn't much matter what country you're in.

I mean, compare the morals of those degenerate heathens in NYC to to the virtuous ways of those upright citizens of small town America. :)

Isaac Bartram | October 31, 2007, 6:02pm | #

And by small towns/cities I mean under about 50000 pop. Ayr has around 42000.

And by big cities, I mean over about 500,000.

In the middle ground betwen the two things are not as predictable.

But I would suggest that people in cities over about 500000 are likely to be more sexually permissive than those in small towns. And this holds true almost anywhere.

I think one of the reasons we perceive of Europeans as more sexually permissive is that we generally only hear about big cities.