CWA Lesson of the Day: Book Learning Makes You Ugly
Kerry Howley | April 5, 2007, 1:36pm
Thank you, Janice Shaw Crouse, Bush-appointed delegate to the 2003 United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, senior fellow at the Concerned Women for America, and former presidential speech writer, for penning this grave and important treatise on the tragic lives of “Washington’s working women”:
When I saw her, as she headed to work on the train early one morning, her hair was still damp and she looked slightly worn and only half awake. Nonetheless, she was quite beautiful. Not beautiful in the dewy, fresh-faced way she probably looked when she arrived in Washington a few years earlier, but very attractive all the same. In spite of her still hard-body figure and smart, slightly provocative clothes, there was a hint of vulnerability in her body language - a certain tentativeness. She was obviously "with" the young man she sat beside, but there was something missing. And it was not just the wedding rings that neither of them was wearing. It was something else.
In Washington, like in most places these days, it works something like this. The young women - fresh out of college, where many of them have experimented sexually to one degree or another - arrive full of ambition and energy…
It's the moving out and moving on, time and again, that eventually take their toll. This calls for more aggressive partying. With enough alcohol to dull the senses (as it lowers the inhibitions and eases the memories), the young woman may manage to ignore the slide at first…
But when a girl hits 30-ish, she begins to sense things slipping away from her. If she's not stupid, she sees that not as many men notice her as once did, and she becomes aware that her biological clock is ticking. If she is not blind, she takes stock of the 40-ish women who arrived before her and likely isn't happy at the thought of ending up like so many of them. Oh, these 40-ish women are talented, experienced and respected for the professional way they can get the job done on the Hill, in the government agencies or in corporations or non-governmental organizations. In many instances, they are absolutely indispensable. But. Big "but."
But what, Janice Shaw Crouse? But they are destined to OD on a truckload of morning-after pills? But their barren wombs will eat away at their damned souls, empty shells of womanhood that they are?
But these professional women are never going to have the big romance that girls dream about.
Dammit! My girlhood dreams of marrying Scott Baio in a Strawberry Shortcake and/or My Little Pony-themed beach wedding are doomed. Never mind the, you know, data, which shows that high-earning women are as or more likely to marry than their low-income counterparts. I think we can all agree that math class is tough.
Those women among you who made the mistake of learning to read: check out the whole thing.
Stevo Darkly | April 5, 2007, 6:04pm | #
Is joe gonna reveal or not?
If he doesn't: Passim, it's been a while since I had to deal with crazy girl trouble and give myself the full treatment, but music is the key. You need to listen to music. This will get you through.
First, you need to wallow in self-pity. Listen to the following songs:
- "Why Can't I Have You?" by The Cars.
- "Man in the Wilderness" by Styx.
- "Here Come the Tears" by Judas Priest.
- "Wasted" by Def Leppard.
Now that you're nearly suicidal, you need to get bitter and ANGRY:
- "Lay It on the Line" by Triumph. (Never has a more perfected song been crafted for what you are feeling at this time.)
- "True Love and True Confessions" by The Babys.
- "Evil Woman" by Electric Light Orchestra.
- "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest.
Finally, you need to put it all behind you and get inspired to overcome everything and get back out there and grab onto life again:
- "The Wall" by Kansas.
- "Last Chance" by Shooting Star.
Of course, like I said, it has been a while since I've had to go through the whole detox treatment, and some of these songs might seem a little out of date. But they worked for me.
Also, I recommend that you take the boys along and spend a lot of time at Hooters.
joe | April 5, 2007, 7:58pm | #
Ah, what the hell, you all probably couldn't think any less of me.
There's some good advice up above. Wise, mature advice, but it's all about heart ache, about getting better, moving on and healing. I'm not talking about healing. I'm not talking about making your heart whole. I'm talking about making yourself feel better for a moment after some really evil woman screwed you over good. I'm talking about bucking yourself up so you aren't wailing puddle of pathos. Then you can drink the whiskey and play the music - when you feel like you're up to it, and you've got the right to.
Remember when I told another poster to eat the something out of his something mother's something? This is worse, so, if you have any decency at all, or if you're Jennifer or smacky, for God's sake, stop reading!
OK, here goes. You think of the really terrible things she did, or is doing, to hurt you. For example, "She spent eight months playing with my head so I'd love her, and she was cheating with my roommates for the last seven." Or maybe, "She hooked up with a guy who's four inches taller and lot richer than me three days after we broke up, and she's telling stories about faking her orgasms when we were together."
Then you say to yourself the magic words:
"Yeah, but she took my dick her in mouth."
BAM! Immediate relief. She's got nothing on you, bro.
Who cares what she's saying now? She took your dick in her mouth! Oh, poor baby, she decided you weren't good enough for her, and dumped you at the prom -at the beginning of the prom, then sat with your mutual friends? You know what? She took your dick in her mouth! She rolls her eyes and whispers something funny to whomever she's with whenever you pass on the street, then smirks at you? That's pretty harsh, but...Slob slob slob slob slob. That's right. You know it, and she knows it, too.
It's really hard to feel like someone's gotten over on you when you put it like that.
