Give Your Awl for the Right to Concealed Carry, or, First They Came for the Pointy Woodworking Tools

Haven't we all been here? You're sprawled out naked on a tree stump in a public place at quarter to eight in the morning, peacably choking your chicken, when along come the jackbooted thugs who force you to give up the sharp instrument you've got discreetly cached up your Hershey Highway. And they call this the land of the free...

And what of Fusilli Jerry?

Comments

Jake Boone | November 5, 2006, 4:20am | #

Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine.

There's a lot of WTF hanging around this sentence. What conceivable chain of reasoning could possibly have led to this call? "Gosh, this guy has an awl up his backside. You know who we need? Firemen!"

As an ex-firefighter, I would just like to go on record as saying that this officer's decision would be distinctly unappreciated. He certainly shouldn't be expecting an invitation to the next pancake breakfast.

Joseph Majsterski | November 5, 2006, 4:39am | #

Firefighters quickly decided that an emergency room would be better equipped to deal with the situation.

See, that's what makes this so damn funny. The firemen were immediately like, "Uh, no, fuck this, we're passing it on down the line."

smerkin | November 5, 2006, 6:59am | #

and then who comes to the rescue?

"When he heard what they were talking about, he said, 'Hey, don't worry about it. I can do it,'" said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

ok, ok, ok everything is under control...

Mindful that a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape could be used as a weapon, officers kept their weapons trained on the 33-year-old.

tarran | November 5, 2006, 7:28am | #

You know, the concealed weapon charge bothers me.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that he had been wearing pants. Now, he decides to go outside and he needs to carry an awl. Let's assume that he has a legitimate reason; perhaps he is trying to turn his life around, he'd been offered a position as a handyman, but his employer does not own any awls, so he has to supply his own.

Now, he has a choice. He could walk to work carrying the awl in his hand, or tuck it in his pocket. Now, what would be more threatening to passers by? I would expect that carrying it in his hand would cause more consternation, and so the prudent felon, wanting to avoid trouble with the law, would put it in his pocket.

But, he didn't have any pants. Perhaps he was too broke to own a pair. Who knows? Now being naked is not, from a natural rights perspective, a crime. He owns his body, and if he wants to go "skyclad" then it his his right. But, he's faced with a problem, what to do with the awl.

Now, if he walks around pants-less, carrying an awl, it will certainly cause alarm. He would definitely face arrest for brandishing a weapon. So he heroicly inserts it in the only pocket he has for the purpose. If he had been naked, but carrying a tool-kit, would they have arrested him?

This man is a clear victim of state oppression. What's the point of releasing a felon, then making it impossible for him to carry an awl without breaking some law? Those thugs had no business detaining him. Shall we do candle-light vigils, or march paper-mache puppets down major streets in solidarity with his cause? :)

Poor guy, I suspect he wanted to go back into jail.

Kevin | November 5, 2006, 8:41am | #

Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine.

They knew exactly what to do. They also knew they weren't going to be the ones to do it. Gotta admire the way dude stepped up and prevent the buck from being passed any more.

Buckshot | November 5, 2006, 8:57am | #

This is why I say incarceration is hell, you don't get locked up with Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins, you get locked up with THIS guy.

D.A. Ridgely | November 5, 2006, 10:42am | #

Awl's well that ends well.

Thomas Paine's Goiter | November 5, 2006, 11:08am | #

He didn't have something else to stick in his ass? Really?

I hope he gets a decent lawyer and gets the weapons charge thrown out. That's completely bogus.

biologist | November 5, 2006, 11:16am | #

perhaps the cops were afraid he was going to suddenly lunge at them, ass-first (ass-forwards?), and they wouldn't be able to get out the way in time. his ass was a deadly weapon.

tomWright | November 5, 2006, 11:38am | #

"Mindful that a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape could be used as a weapon, officers kept their weapons trained on the 33-year-old."

Well, you can never be too careful. Depending his breakfast, that could have been one heluva high-powered ASS-ault weapon.

Imagine the carange if it have been cabbage-fueled?

Oh the horror...

J sub D | November 5, 2006, 11:45am | #

But, he is no danger to himself or others, so we can't involuntarily lock him up in an asylum (mental care facility for the PC). Put him in jail and that will cure him of his demons.

KD | November 5, 2006, 12:23pm | #

"...33-year-old John Sheehan..."

Wouldn't be related to Cindy would he? She acts like, and in pictures looks like. she's got something stuffed up there.

thoreau | November 5, 2006, 12:34pm | #

The next time I'm dealing with somebody who's uptight I'll have to ask:

Is that a stick up your ass or are you just carrying concealed?

Ron Hardin | November 5, 2006, 12:55pm | #

No man's plenum is impervious to the awl of God's will. - Barthelme

JW | November 5, 2006, 1:02pm | #

So HE's the ASSMAN!

Alan Vanneman | November 5, 2006, 2:06pm | #

"Firefighters quickly decided that an emergency room would be better equipped to deal with the situation."

What's wrong with that? It's not like the guy was on fire, was he?

Syd | November 5, 2006, 2:10pm | #

If having awls up your rectum is outlawed, only outlaws will have awls up their rectum.

Wait a moment! Is that a problem?

fishfry | November 5, 2006, 4:08pm | #

You can have my awl when you pry it from my cold, dead butthole.

Karen | November 5, 2006, 5:19pm | #

Cavanaugh, didn't you have something better to do at a quarter to four in the morning than to find this story?

Russ R | November 5, 2006, 5:44pm | #

"Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine."

Why didn't they just bring in a SWAT team? (kidding here...)

wagging the dawg | November 5, 2006, 6:05pm | #

awly awly awxen free

phosphorious | November 5, 2006, 6:51pm | #

Police saw 33-year-old John Sheehan and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure.



Suspicion? They couldn't tell just by looking that he was indecently exposed?

Matt | November 5, 2006, 7:52pm | #

Well, you can never be too careful. Depending his breakfast, that could have been one heluva high-powered ASS-ault weapon.

Imagine the carange if it have been cabbage-fueled?

I'm sure if it had a pistol grip it would be much more deadly, too....

an irregular | November 5, 2006, 9:34pm | #

First they came for the guy with an awl up his ass, and I said nothing because I did not have an awl up my ass . . .

martin | November 5, 2006, 11:04pm | #

It's not like the guy was on fire, was he?

I don't know... I'm willing to bet that most everybody's behind would be burning with 6 inches stuck up it.
Maybe that's why he was forced to strip, it got too hot in his pants.
Do I smell a defense strategy here?

wayne | November 6, 2006, 6:12am | #

Awl shucks, this is a funny thread.

I hope Bush doesn't learn of this because we know how he reacts to suspected weapons of ass destruction.

You realize, of course, what the outcome of this will be with TSA, don't you. I mean, we had that Reeves guy with exploding shoes, so now we awl have to shuck our shoes before boarding. Prepare to bend over.