Blood From a Stone: TSA Doesn't Play Gneiss

In the Hartford Courant, a rock-lover relives his tragic journey to an annual meeting of the Stone Foundation, an international organization of people "united by their love of stone."

To enhance my speech, I nestled one of my favorite specimens between my underwear and shirts in a carry-on bag because I never check luggage on business trips. My banded chunk of the Hebron Gneiss (pronounced "nice") resembled a broken slice of layer cake composed of licorice and cream cheese.

In retrospect, I suppose I could have put the grapefruit-sized specimen inside my sock, swung it around my head like a mace, charged the cabin and attempted to hijack the flight. This, of course, never occurred to me until the zealous inspector declared my rock a "dual-use" item...

"What, pray tell, is a dual-use item?" I asked. I'm afraid I chucked just a little, causing her to glare, withhold a satisfactory answer and call her supervisor. He hefted my rock, scrutinized it for a moment, and agreed that my specimen was indeed a dual-use item, meaning a potential low-tech weapon..

I thought dual-use referred to anything with potential civilian and military uses. Apparently, it now means anything a toddler can use to clock another kid in the head. Under such a definition of deadly weaponry, man and rock were forever separated. The author mourns:

If rocks had feelings, my beautiful specimen would have been crying as it was hauled away.

Via boingboing.

*Headline courtesy of pun-tastic commenter Matt L.

Comments

David | October 10, 2006, 4:30pm | #

I suppose this means that "bombing 'em back to the stone age" won't win the war on terror.

Russell | October 10, 2006, 4:35pm | #

Meanwhile , at Logan Airport, TSA is cracking down on dual-use crustaceans :

http://adamant.typepad.com/seitz/travel/index.html

David | October 10, 2006, 4:40pm | #

I suppose this means that "bombing 'em back to the stone age" won't win the war on terror.

Russell | October 10, 2006, 4:40pm | #

What about dual-use crustaceans ?

http://adamant.typepad.com/seitz/travel/index.html

Pro Libertate | October 10, 2006, 4:42pm | #

Huh. Aren't there items in the worse-than-a-rock category just sitting on the plane? What on earth am I going to do with a rock? Make it into a sharp-edged tool and dig a tunnel into the cockpit? Threaten to give one flight attendant a nasty headache?

A Cave Man | October 10, 2006, 4:45pm | #

Oh, I see how it is. More caveman discrimination.

Russ 200 | October 10, 2006, 5:06pm | #

He hefted my Cock, scrutinized it for a moment, and agreed that my specimen was indeed a dual-use item, meaning a potential low-tech weapon

That's the way I read it at first, and since it IS a dual-use item...

Stevo Darkly | October 10, 2006, 5:13pm | #

What I'm waiting for is for someone to attempt hijacking plan and using one of those in-flight safety cards as his weapon. Then they'll have to ban those to keep us safe.

arthur | October 10, 2006, 5:19pm | #

Accepting that a rock can be used as a weapon, woulnd't it have to have some other purpose to be "dual use"?

thoreau | October 10, 2006, 5:34pm | #

What if the rock repels tigers?

Anyway, for those about to fly with rocks, we salute you.

NoStar | October 10, 2006, 5:41pm | #

Does this mean that Chuck Norris can fly, but he must leave his hands and feet behind?

"Mr. Norris, we'll be consfiscating your shampoo and conditioner as well. No, you are correct, they are less than the 3 ounce approved size, but without your hands, how could you wash your hair?"

JN | October 10, 2006, 5:52pm | #

Accepting that a rock can be used as a weapon, woulnd't it have to have some other purpose to be "dual use"?

Paper weight?

assman | October 10, 2006, 6:16pm | #

Yeah, and my ass is a dual use weapon too. Those stupid mofo's.

CL | October 10, 2006, 6:16pm | #

The last time I was in Chicago, I bought a Labatt Blue pull for a home kegerator. The TSA folks at O'Hare didn't mind my taking it on as a carry on.

Thanks to some weather delays, by the time I got to Dulles, I had missed my connection, and the airline paid for me to have a hotel overnight. When I got in the security line again the next morning, with my keg pull still in my backpack, the TSA screeners at Dulles told me it was a bludgeon that I couldn't carry on to the plane.

Then, when they took it from me (I didn't have enough time to check it), they joked about how they'd be pouring a few beers that night with it. Assholes.

kelley | October 10, 2006, 7:26pm | #

The TSA is making it harder to play rock, paper, scissors.

Jennifer | October 10, 2006, 7:41pm | #

"Mr. Norris, we'll be consfiscating your shampoo and conditioner as well. No, you are correct, they are less than the 3 ounce approved size, but without your hands, how could you wash your hair?"

I am such a super bad-ass that last week I not only brought twelve ounces of hair-cleaning stuff through the TSA checkpoint, but I wrote a blogpost with all the details of how I managed to commit this Federal crime and get away with it. Am I afraid that the TSA will read this and come for me in the night? No, thanks to my aforementioned super-badassery.

FOUR ounces of shampoo. EIGHT ounces of conditioner. SCREW the rule of three. Anyone interested in learning the fine points of the smuggler's art should click on my name and get all the gory details.

I am a super bad-ass with clean, shiny, manageable hair. To hell with the TSA.

jtuf | October 10, 2006, 8:04pm | #

Dual use item - anything that has mass and takes up space

NoStar | October 10, 2006, 8:07pm | #

Jen,
I'm sure the idea for my post has it's roots in reading your blog account of how to carry copious amounts of hair products on to a plane.

BTW, Have you found a flat chested girl (aka the boob-a-bomber) willing to have silicon breast implants inserted and filled with contraband conditioner for your investigatorial journalism piece?

smacky | October 10, 2006, 8:24pm | #

Russ 200,

Did they downgrade your software? Or are you just Russ 2000's quasi-retarded younger brother?

Terrorific | October 10, 2006, 8:24pm | #

It's funny.....in the detroit airport you can simply go up to any of the indoor plants and pick up one of thousands of rather hefty fist-sized rocks you could use to go "dual-use"upside someone's head. In fact, this was brought to my attention by the female flight attendant on my plane who seemed to think it was pretty funny.

Jennifer | October 10, 2006, 8:27pm | #

Have you found a flat chested girl (aka the boob-a-bomber) willing to have silicon breast implants inserted and filled with contraband conditioner for your investigatorial journalism piece?

After reading this piece Kerry Howley linked to, I'm more interested in seeing how TSA wouold handle the threat of some stupid testosterone jock with rocks in his head.

Bazil | October 10, 2006, 8:52pm | #

What about Cans of Soda on the plane??

A terrorist might grab them and threaten to throw them at the cockpit door!!!

Those things can hurt.

smacky | October 10, 2006, 8:54pm | #

Russell,

But lobsters *are* dual use according to Rosine (the only -- I repeat: only -- Jerky Boys character that I like).

"I don't even eat that shit, I lick that shit. I slap-ded that shit." Classic!

Matt L | October 10, 2006, 9:31pm | #

Suggested alternate headline.

Blood From a Stone: The TSA Doesn't Play Gneiss

Karen | October 10, 2006, 11:19pm | #

The week after the Dastardly Shampoo Plot was foiled in Britain, my family flew to Austin from Seattle. I managed to bring a large, heavy bag of shells and rocks collected from the British Columbian shore. The TSA people waved me through. Now, either the TSA had a lucid moment and figured out that taking my four-year-old's prized shell collection would be FAR worse than the tiny chance someone could use the shells as weapons, or 2. no one noticed.

I'm going for the second option.

kevrob | October 10, 2006, 11:56pm | #

I've got a razor clam, and I'm not afraid to use it! - Karen Going Postal On The Plane

Kevin

jgray | October 11, 2006, 9:45am | #

the guy who this happened too, r. thorson,
is my geology professor at the university of connecticut and we all had a big sob-fest in our seminar about how stupid the govt. is, which was wonderfully ironic for me, since all the kids there are liberals, as is the prof., but his story still made me laugh as being so ridiculous. he remarked to us if a geology professor can't carry a rock, can a doctor carry, say a stethoscope, which u could use to strangel people? the TSA will continue to be a huge f***ing waste of time and resources until it is privatized

Buckshot | October 11, 2006, 9:59am | #

Bazil:
What about cans of soda on the plane?
That's an interesting point. In the movie Bad Boys, Sean Penn wraps four or five soda cans in a shirt and uses the improvised weapon to beat the crap out of the two teenage thugs who were hassling him, then he became The Man. Guys in prison make lethal weapons out of the most harmless looking items, I'm sure a determined terrorist could find all kinds of potential weapons on the average commercial flight.

Jennifer:
You are, indeed, a bad-ass.

Jennifer | October 11, 2006, 10:39am | #

You are, indeed, a bad-ass.

With clean, shiny, well-conditioned hair. Don't forget that part.